


Okay. I will.

by eatreadwritesleep



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Harry is a mess, M/M, Possibly Triggering, Ye have been warned, a meltdown of sorts, and you're an asshole, because i'm tired of people telling others to kill themselves, he needs help, it's not a freaking game, it's not funny, people are hurting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-04-27
Packaged: 2017-12-09 18:07:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatreadwritesleep/pseuds/eatreadwritesleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Harry just can’t handle it. His head hurts and he can’t breathe right and he’s shaking and crying and screaming and tearing at his hair and he just needs this all to stop. All he feels is numbness and pain and nothing else and he’s all alone and…</p>
<p>He needs Louis.</p>
<p>He just really needs Louis…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Okay. I will.

He was just really, really tired. 

His headache was massive, his breathing was acting up again, and right after this concert, he was getting whisked off to meet with some girl in a very public place where paparazzi would conveniently have the best view and access. 

He didn’t feel right. His heart felt heavy…his mind was weighed down with dark thoughts and normally he was able to push them away and think of his light…his Louis…but that wasn’t working right now because all he wanted to do after this was lie in his love’s arms but he couldn’t.

Instead he’d spend the night at some hotel, told not to pack any new clothes so he could do a scripted walk of shame the next morning and why did this have to be the way it was?

Didn’t they understand?

He’s tired.

Just so tired.

He wouldn’t trade where he is though. He was grateful. He loved to sing, with he boyfriend and brothers and travel the world, meeting new people and giving the fans what they wanted.

But…sometimes he wondered if it was worth the constant pain.

Christ, he was just so tired. 

Harry listened to the dulled screams of the crowd as he leaned his forehead against the mic, breathing in and out and trying to focus. He kept getting sucked into he tortured mind and he knew he was screwing this gig up…but he was just so tired.

He wanted to cry. He just wanted to sit and cry somewhere, and he could feel himself trembling at the effort it took not to have a massive breakdown in front of a couple thousand people. 

He clenched his fingers around the mic as he leaned against it, willing himself to keep taking steady breaths, and swallowing the spit that kept gathering in his mouth so he didn’t puke all over the stage. He didn’t realize the music had cut off. People were surrounding him, touching him, talking to him, saying things that weren’t making sense because he couldn’t really hear very well, things were muffled and he could literally feel himself sinking into darkness from the inside…

Someone was touching his hair.

“Come back to me, love.”

Harry opened his eyes slowly, eyes immediately drawn to Louis’ calm ones. 

“There you are…where did you go?”

Harry stared at him for a moment, before shrugging.

“You’re still not back yet, are you?”

Harry continued to stare, ignoring other questions being asked, people feeling him, asking for a temperature check and commenting on how pale he was. 

“Come back here, love. I’m right here. I’m waiting. Take your time.”

Other people were calling his name, but he just closed his eyes again, waiting for the ringing in his ears to stop and the dizziness to fade, before he finally released the mic and took a step back, opening his eyes and staring at Louis again.

Louis smiled up at him.

“Welcome back.”

He nodded at Louis, eager to just collapse against him, and hold him tight…itching to just touch him…but he couldn’t.

Instead, he faked a smile at all the boys, saying he was alright, and waved away the medic team that had been on standby. 

He shook his head, and ruffled his hair a bit before staring into the crowd that was watching all of this with concern. He tapped the mic, noticing it was on again, and spoke.

“Sorry about that. I just had a bit of a moment. Let’s get back to it, yeah?”

The crowd screamed again, and the music was back, and he sang his heart out, hoping to feel back to normal.

Except he wasn’t.  
.  
.  
.

The concert was finally over.

They did their signature group vow, and then they were backstage. He was quickly checked out by the medic team anyways, and he just told them he had felt a bit tired and hot and he just needed a moment to himself. His eyes strayed to Louis, and the others, who were in a corner, grabbing drinks. 

Harry turned to make his way over to him, but was grabbed by a member he recognized from PR.

“C’mon. Your ride is already waiting. You need to shower and change, quickly.”

He opened his mouth to protest, and glanced over at Louis again, but she held his arm a bit tighter.

He slouched, before walking off, feeling Louis’ sad gaze following him away.

Just a touch…a feel…a hug. 

But there was no time for that.

Never time for that.

He could feel the darkness closing in again.  
.  
.  
.

True to his earlier thoughts, paparazzi were everywhere. Flashing lights nearly blinded him as he opened the door for his date, grabbing her hand and leading her into the classy restaurant. He made sure to pull the chair out for her, before taking a seat himself.

She was stunning, with bright blue eyes and brown hair and a dazzling smile.

He almost chuckled to himself. It seemed like they tried to find someone with similar features to Louis to keep him interested.

How kind of them.

“So, Mr. Styles, tell me a bit about yourself.”

Harry looked away from his menu and gazed at her with a frown. He caught sight of the same PR woman a few tables away, gesturing at him to smile and look like he wanted to be there.

He obeyed, sitting up straighter and smiling at her.

“Well, love, the reason we’re sitting here is because I like dick a little too much and that’s not good for the band’s image.”

Her jaw dropped as the waiter arrived at the table.

“Two glasses of wine please. Leave the bottle at the table.” he said to the waiter, before turning his attention back to the menu.

The wine would help.

He was falling apart.   
.  
.  
.

The flashes of the cameras followed the couple into their hotel, and they held hands the entire way there, tripping and laughing as the stepped into the elevator.

The moment it closed, they stepped apart, Harry crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, eyes watching the numbers go up as they approached their floor.

“I’m sorry that you have to do this Harry?”

He looked over at her, smiling softly.

“It’s alright.” he answered.

It wasn’t.

“It’ll get better, darling.” she continued, reaching over and patting his arm in a show of support.

No it won’t.

The doors opened and the two stepped out, going to their separate rooms. He took off his coat and boots, before flopping on his bed.

He checked his phone, seeing multiple texts from his brothers.

Keep smilling Hry- Liam

You’ll be back to Lover Boy soon- Zayn

Sorry you have to do this mate. How ya feeling? –Niall

Words can’t describe my love for you. Never forget that. Hold her hand when they tell you. Smile when they tell you. Kiss her when they tell you. But remember, I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back. And my ass is bigger, soo ;) xoxo –Louis

Harry smiled at his phone, fingers trembling.

He wanted to text back, but he didn’t know what to say.

He felt numb.

He felt weird…

He saw a computer provided by the hotel, and decided to use it, leaving his phone on the bed. He turned it on, and googled his name. 

New articles were already published. 

“What a night for Harry Styles! 

Tonight, during One Direction’s Wembley Arena concert, Harry had a bit of a breakdown for about ten minutes, standing silently and ignoring the crowd. He was pale and shaking, and we were all a bit worried, but everything turned out to be fine after fellow band mate Louis Tomlinson, whispered some words to him.

We’d kill to hear that conversation.

But right after the concert, Harry Styles left and got cozy with model Melanie Smithers.

The couple was spotted exiting their limo and eating at a fancy restaurant, all smiles and sly touches. After that lovely dinner, the two made their way to a hotel.

It’s quite obvious by now that Mr. Styles wastes no time, and we can’t imagine what must be going on in their room tonight.

Giggity.”

He read the article, before swallowing thickly, and logging on to his twitter.

He was trending.

#Harry&Melanie   
#Larry  
#PoorLouis  
#FeelBetterHarry

He frowned, before looking at the other trending topics. One of them was #manwhore.

Curious, he clicked on it, and gasped.

‘WTF? Harry’s already with some other girl. What a freaking #manwhore’

‘Harry left Louis to be with that fugly bitch??? #PoorLouis #manwhore’

‘this is why Justin is better. harrys a #manwhore Justin is faithful’

‘I don’t get why ppl like @Harry_Styles. He’s a freakin #manwhore. He shuld kill himself already.’

Harry clicked on the profile of that last tweet, reading through them.

‘all he does is sleep around. kill yourself @Harry_Styles’

‘seriously, you’re freaking ugly and a waste of space. Kill yourself @Harry_Styles’

‘literally no talent at all. Kill youself @Harry_Styles’

‘please kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself @Harry_Styles’

Harry stared numbly at the screen, before hunching over and grabbing the bin beside the desk, vomiting into it. His entire body shook as he heaved, before placing the bin back down and sitting silently.

He didn’t realize he was crying until tears dripped onto his hands that were placed in his lap.

His phone started vibrating from the bed, and he knew it was probably one of the boys calling to tell him not to check twitter.

Too late.

It was strange, feeling numb like this. His body was cold. It felt like this darkness was an actual thing, spreading through him and suffocating him, and ripping the emotions from him and why couldn’t he feel?

I mean…he felt…but it wasn’t proper feeling. He felt nothing. This nothing was something that he couldn’t describe, but it was a nothing that made him dizzy and breathe hard.

Something was seriously wrong with him.

He wanted Louis.

He needed Louis.

But Louis was nowhere nearby, and they’d never let him go to Louis or Louis go to him but he needed something, anything to make him feel better than this.

He was sobbing in earnest now, gripping the ends of his shirt and reading more of the tweets, wishing to anything that this would just stop. 

Kill yourself.  
Kill yourself.  
Kill yourself.  
Kill yourself.  
Kill yourself.

Before he knew what he was doing, he replied.

'Harry_Styles: @EffUH4rry just freakin kill yourself @Harry_Styles – Okay. I will.'

Immediately, his mentions were flooded with replies.

Everyone started freaking out. 

He left the computer, and staggered to the bathroom. 

His phone started vibrating again, and a second later he could hear some banging on his door to the room.

He quickly moved, pushing sofa to the front door of his room.

Nobody was getting in here. Nobody was interrupting him.

“Harry it’s Melanie? Are you alright?”

No.

No he wasn’t.

He let out another sob, before staggering back into the bathroom, ignoring his phone, and focusing on the ringing in his ears, and the suffocating feeling of drowning in the darkness of his own mind. 

He looked at the mirror, before opening it and seeing a cabinet. There were pills there. Painkillers…and then there were sleeping pills. Three different kinds. He grabbed them all, and a glass from the bathroom, filling it with water.

Then he made his way back to the computer, reading through his mentions. They were filled with people wondering if he meant it, if he was joking, and some who were really taking him seriously and begging him not too.

Apparently #DONTDOITHARRY was the number one trend at the moment.

He didn’t care he didn’t care he didn’t care he didn’t care.

He didn’t want to deal with this. His head was hurting and his arm hurt and his heart hurt but the rest of him was numb and heavy and sinking and it just needed to stop. 

Without thinking any further, he grabbed the pills, opening each container and tossing handfuls into his mouth, downing them with his glass of water.

He coughed, choking a bit, before launching the glass across the room, it shattering loudly.

Melanie was still banging at his door. 

His phone was still vibrating.

He typed out another tweet.

'Harry_Styles: I’m sorry everyone.'

A few moments later and all of twitter was in a panic.

He smiled. It was nice, he supposed, to have so many people concerned.

Not many people cared about him. If they cared, they wouldn’t be so mean.

Louis was never mean to him.

Louis…

Louis!

He checked Louis’ twitter.

'Louis_Tomlinson: Please @Harry_Styles answer your phone love. Please please please answer your phone!' 

His phone vibrated again, and he got up, reaching for it.

It was Louis.

He answered.

‘Harry? Harry!?’

“Hi Lou…” he mumbled.

‘Harry love, what’s going on? Tell me what’s happening…’

“I did something really stupid…” Harry answered, before he burst into tears again.

‘Harry love, Hazza. Shhh…shh what happened?’

“I just wanted everything to stop. My head was hurting and I didn’t feel right and I just felt so…nothing and I needed to feel something and-

‘Harry! Harry darling, I need you to calm down…’

“Louis I’m gonna die-

‘Harry!’

“I forgot about you and I’m gonna leave you all alone and I’m sorry-

‘Harry!’

“And my mum is gonna be so heartbroken so is Gem and all the boys but I just can’t do it anymore and I’m sorry-

‘Harry!!!’ Louis shouted through the phone, and Harry stopped talking, instead sniffling and hiccupping. 

‘Listen to me love. You’re alright, you hear me. You’re alright.-

“I’m not alright!” Harry screamed, before getting up and stomping to his balcony glass door, slamming it open and stepping into the cool night air. He walked onto the balcony, looking down over it, immediately hearing screams.

There were fans outside. A lot of fans. And around them were police. There was even a helicopter flying around the hotel. Imagine that. Lights turned on and aimed at him, and he flinched, before sitting down and leaning against the railing.

‘Harry! Harry!’

“Yes Lou…” he answered softly, looking down.

‘Go back inside love.’

“No.”

‘I’m watching you on the news. The story spread pretty quickly.’

“I see a copter Lou.” Harry whispered.

‘Yea. You look really sad, Haz.’

“I am sad.”

Harry’s phone beeped signaling another call, and he looked down, seeing his mother’s name. He ignored it.

He couldn’t deal with that right now.

Harry looked down again, seeing signs with words of support for him, and he stared crying even harder.

‘Harry, I’m going to come to you, alright? They’re letting me come. Wait for me, please. Stay on the phone with me…talk to me…just don’t…’

“Don’t what? Jump? I’m dying anyway Louis…”

‘Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.’

“I took three bottles of sleeping pills.”

He heard Louis’ breath hitch before he started yelling at everyone to move faster and that they had to go and to call an ambulance.

Harry hung up.

He placed his phone down by his feet and stared at everyone down below, curling up and closing his eyes.

They shot open when he heard his hotel room door being broken down, and police rushed in, stopping at the sight of him on the balcony.

Harry quickly stood up, before leaning against the railing and lifting one leg up over it, grabbing onto the railing for support and glaring at the police.

Everyone down below screamed in horror, but he ignored them.

“I’ll jump…” he told them, leaning even more over the railing.

One of the police stepped closer, holding their hands up in a show of surrender.

“Alright, Mr. Styles. Tell us what you want.” 

What did he want?

Louis…he wanted Louis.

“Louis…Louis said he was coming. I only want him. No one else…”

They nodded, talking into their walkie-talkies. 

“He’s on route, Mr. Styles. He’ll be here shortly.”

Harry nodded, before slowly moving from off the railing. He massaged his stomach, leaning over slightly.

It was starting to hurt. Badly. 

The cop noticed.

“Did you take all those pills on the desk?”

Harry nodded, sitting back down again, eyeing the police warily. His phone was vibrating by his feet. He picked it up seeing twelve missed calls.

It started vibrating again.

“Hi Lou…”

‘Harry! Harry you asshole don’t you ever hang up on me!’

Louis was crying. He could hear it in his voice.

“Sorry…”

‘Tell me how you feel right now.’

“My stomach hurts a lot. And I’m kinda tired. I’m always tired…”

‘Me too baby. Can you stay awake though? I’m almost there-drive faster, run them over if you have too, I don’t care about traffic-Harry, you still there?’

“Yea.”

‘How long have you felt like this Harry?’

“A while. Sometimes I’m okay, and then it just comes back and I feel terrible. You’re the only one who makes it better. I felt really bad today, at the concert, and I wanted to be with you but I had to go with Melanie, and then it got even worse and I saw stuff online and on twitter and I…um…”

‘You took the pills.’ Louis finished.

“Yea…”

‘Do you want to die, Harry?’

Harry stayed quiet, thinking, before he answered.

“I don’t know. I just needed everything to stop.” His voice cracked, and he teared up again.

He listened to the muffled voices on the phone, and the sound of tires screeching.

‘I’m at the hotel, love. I’m running in, and I’ll be with you so soon, okay? Stay on the phone with me.’

“Okay…” Harry whispered, before he moaned softly, clutching at his stomach, and shuddering.

This really hurt a lot. He thought he was just going to fall asleep. Why was he hurting so much? 

‘Harry? You still there? I’m on the lift…’

“Uhuh…” Harry rasped out, curling in on himself more.

It was quiet between them for a while, before Louis spoke again.

“I’m here.” he heard, from the phone and from inside the room.

He looked up and saw Louis standing there in front of the police around him, phone still up at his ear and eyes wide with worry. He ended the call and dropped his phone, slowly making his way over to Harry, who panicked.

He stood up again, leaning back against the railing, shaking his head.

“Harry…Harry I’m not going to drag you away or anything. Just let me talk to you okay? Please…let me talk to you…and can I hug you?”

Harry shook his head more vigorously.

“Just talk to me okay? I can’t…I can’t-

He clutched at his hair, tugging it harshly.

“Harry stop! Okay…just talking. No touching, just talking…. Is that okay?”

Harry looked up, before nodding and holding his stomach.

“Tell me Harry. Tell me what you feel.” Louis said, clenching his fists nervously.

“I’m just so tired Lou. I…I wanna be with you. I don’t want to go on dates with anyone else and I don’t want to keep getting in trouble for looking at you too long and…everyone is so mean to me and I don’t want to be called a whore anymore because I’m not. I’m not bad Louis and…”

Harry’s words started to get jumbled up and he paled, before keeling over and throwing up a mouthful of bile and pills onto the balcony floor. Louis placed his hand over his mouth and sobbed, staring at Harry who was throwing up and shuddering and sweating and obviously in a massive amount of pain.

“Harry, listen to me. Look at me? Can you look at me?”

It took Harry a while, but he looked at Louis, shaking as he did so, clutching at the railing for support.

“I’m going to make this better Harry. Alright? I’m going to fix this, and I’m going to fix you. And we’ll be out. We’ll be out together, and everyone will know we’re a couple. No more fake dates, no more hiding. No more crying together at nights and wishing and wondering what it would be like to be free. No more being afraid to look at each other and touch each other and hell, talking to each other. No more of that. No more late night phone calls from a thousand miles away wishing we weren’t apart. No more lies. We can walk hand in hand, we can hug, we can kiss…we’ll do all of that baby, but I need you here with me. I need you to ignore the cruel things people say, and stay strong with me, and not give up. You have to be here. I need you to be here…”

Harry stared with lidded eyes.

“I love you so much. I can’t describe it, how much love I have for you, and I know you love me. You love me, right, Harry? Tell me you love me.” Louis sobbed out.

“I…I love you, Louis…” he rasped out, holding his stomach.

“Good. And you know I love you, right? You know I love you so much…”

Harry nodded yes.

“Then please…please come with me. Let me help you. Don’t leave me alone. I don’t want to be alone here, while you’re alone out there…”

Did Harry really want to be alone in death? Did he really want Louis to be alone here, without him? Did he really want to die?

“Please, love, please…” Louis whispered, his breath hitching with sobs…

Louis held his arms out for Harry. The curly haired boy staggered forward, before collapsing into Louis’ arms, clutching at his shirt and crying harder than he could ever remember.

“I don’t wanna die Louis. I don’t, I wanna stay with you, I can’t, it hurts and I-

“Shh…I’ll fix you love.” mumbled Louis, comforting him while the paramedics rushed over.

“I don’t want to die…”

“You won’t love. I’ve got you.”  
.  
.  
.

When Harry came to, he saw bright blue eyes peering down at him from above.

“Welcome back, love.” 

Louis kissed him softly, and Harry held his hand tighter.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is a mess but I just got really mad and wrote this and it’s a huge jumble of crap but I’m just so annoyed and so angry and so bothered nadniwfoenv.
> 
> It really bothers me when people tell others to kill themselves.
> 
> It’s not okay. You have no idea what they’re going through, how much they’re hurting, and even if they weren’t hurting or anything, it’s just a horrible thing to tell somebody.
> 
> What if your message was what pushed them over the edge?
> 
> What if you were the one to help pull the trigger, or help them draw the blade, or swallow the pills, or jump?
> 
> Please…
> 
> Stop.


End file.
